High Drama

Friday, July 30, 2004

Crap Karma

I have decided I have crap relationship/love karma. I must have been a real jerk guy in my past life to have this upon me. I fall for guys that I really like and then they simply go away. And all the guys who fall for me immediately I feel nothing deep and personal for.
So I spent several minutes to myself saying silently and then aloud “I forgive you, I release you” to each of the men who have hurt me. That pulsing, glowing extra good feeling that lives in my chest (heart charka) went away and it felt open and raw for awhile and then sorta just empty and dark. Now its been awhile and its all jangly and wrong. And I can’t seem to make it normal again.
I think love is for shit and it doesn’t really exist. Or at least not for me.
And it’s really hard not to wallow in self-pity or to not fell self-doubt when this is my life. I just keep trying to stay positive but it’s really hard.
Sometimes I actually want to eat dirt. That old song is true. I want to put disgusting things into my body so then some-how I can feel like there is a reason for me to have such crap feeling in my life.
7/29/04 1:27am

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